We rely on the police to keep us safe, but let’s face it: We can’t always rely on them to tell us our full rights. Here are a few things to keep in mind during your next run-in with the law:
1. A police officer on a horse cannot arrest or fine you if you are also on a horse.
2. If you challenge a cop to a race, he legally has to race you. If you beat him, you are the cop.
3. If you’re eating a bag of pretzels and pass by a police officer, you’re not obligated to offer him one, although it certainly would be a nice thing to do.
4. If you forfeit your right to remain silent, make sure you say “off the record” before revealing anything incriminating.
5. If you get arrested, ask to sit in the front seat. You’re not a fucking child and you deserve respect.
6. If you ask police officers if they’ve ever tried weed, they have to say “no,” but they can wink after saying it.
7. If a police officer asks to cut in while you’re dancing with a partner, it is legal for you to cut back in at the top of the next hour.
8. If you punch a cop, he gets to punch you back—but then you’re even.
9. If you see a cop whose uniform is all red, that means he’s evil and will help you with crimes! Make use of his expertise and long, sharp fingers.
10. If you’re stopped by a police officer, simply answer any questions truthfully and try not to remember that he could beat you to death with absolutely no consequences.