Well, this is definitely a letdown.

In a big city, law enforcement officials need all the help they can get to ensure that justice is served quickly and efficiently. That’s why the Philadelphia Police Department is so disappointed that the quirky, offbeat detective it hired who talks exclusively through a puppet has turned out not to be a deductive genius at all.

Damn. Sounds like not all kooky detectives who have their own super-weird tick have deep, superhuman intelligence.

Officials at the Philadelphia Police Department reluctantly admitted that Detective Adam Fullerton has not solved a single crime since he was hired, despite the fact that you have to talk to his hand puppet named Jason if you want to talk to him. In fact, the department has begun to suspect that Fullerton’s strange puppet compulsion, lone-wolf attitude, and mysterious past might not actually be related to any investigative talents whatsoever.

“On paper, he really sounded like the kind of wacky guy who, over the course of several misadventures, would prove his unorthodox methods are well worth the hassle,” said Chief of Police Chuck Barnes. “We were ready to let this puppet freak loose on all our cold cases and just let him solve them one by one, but now we’re starting to think that dysfunction might not always equal genius.”

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Fullerton’s complete lack of results went unnoticed for months, because at crime scenes, he would put the puppet up to his ear and claim that Jason was giving him the murderer’s exact eye color and height, which everyone thought was the start of some incredible deduction normal cops could never see. It’s that sort of off-the-wall tactic that his superiors assumed would lead to Fullerton tracking a perp to an abandoned factory on the outskirts of town and then using his puppet to say, “Cuff him, boys,” and then the other cops would shake their heads and say, “Fullerton, you may be a nut, but goddamn if you don’t get results.”

Furthering the police department’s disappointment, Fullerton has also never once tried to use his puppet to channel the spirit of a victim and ask them what happened on the night of their death. In reality, the only thing Fullerton managed to accomplish during his tenure was to contaminate a whole bunch of evidence with his puppet. He also has a potentially serious mental disorder that should be checked out immediately.

Man, this truly is a bummer for everyone involved. We hope the PPD can stay strong and keep up the good work despite the setback. Perhaps a genius detective who only wears tan suits is on the way to Philadelphia right now—we’ll keep our fingers crossed!

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