Your teen’s sex dreams are likely filled with the type of chiseled, steely-eyed bad boys who, while certainly titillating, set harmful and unrealistic expectations about what a healthy, supportive relationship should look like. Here are five ways to influence your teen’s subconscious so that they’ll start having sex dreams about responsible, financially stable gentlemen instead.
1. Install a hidden speaker in their bedroom to quietly play audio recordings of Warren Buffett quotes while they sleep: This is a great method to turn your teen’s sex dreams away from the mysterious, James Dean loners who typically ravage them in their fantasies toward dependable men who know how to intelligently invest their money. Hearing the Sage of Omaha’s wise words about sensible strategic investing as they sleep will gradually influence their sexual yearnings to favor the stability of a Roth IRA and a well-diversified portfolio over rock-hard abs and a brooding, seductive gaze—which, really, is all any good parent can hope for.
2. Pump the smell of both money and pleated Brooks Brothers khakis into their room through the floor vents: If the speaker trick isn’t enough, utilize your home’s ventilation system to tantalize your teen with the rich aromas of success. The moment the scents of cash and khakis fill their nostrils, your sleeping teen’s sex dreams will immediately pivot from the leather-jacketed motorcycle hunks recklessly blazing down the open road to crisply dressed CPAs safely piloting their Hyundai Sonatas to the bank to purchase savings bonds.
3. Overdub Magic Mike XXL so that the strippers are always talking about how great their mutual funds are doing: While Magic Mike XXL might be an awkward choice for family movie night, it’ll all be worth it after you swap out the film’s actual audio for two hours of newly recorded dialogue that focuses heavily on the sensibility of putting your money into mutual funds. After the movie, your kid will curl up in bed, fall asleep, and entertain carnal fantasies of investment managers and their robust portfolios all night long.
4. Text them periodically throughout the night with updates about the Asian stock market: If you’re worried that your teen may still be having sex dreams about ne’er-do-well boys despite your best efforts, just text them every hour from 1 a.m. to 7 a.m. in order to let them know that the Nikkei 225 is up 8 percent. The vibration from their phone will wake them up, and after reading your text, they’ll go back to sleep dreaming about the men responsible for the Nikkei’s impressive rise.
5. Hire former U.S. Federal Reserve chairman Alan Greenspan to perform a striptease for them at bedtime: If this doesn’t do the trick, nothing will.