Could preventing your spouse from seeing your ass protect you from ever dying? If you plot the data on a graph, it turns out there is an alarming correlation between mortality rates and letting your spouse spot your bare ass cheeks. The goods news is that may indicate that if your husband or wife never views your ass, you will live forever.
This graph is a huge wake-up call:
As you can see, average age of death decreases dramatically the more often your spouse gets a good look at your ass. It’s safe to infer that never showing them your ass could potentially prevent you from aging. If you’ve been carelessly letting your spouse glimpse your ass, you need to stop immediately, because you could be throwing away the key to eternal life.
There’s plenty of circumstantial evidence that hiding your ass from your spouse’s prying eyes could be the fountain of youth. Check out this Venn diagram showing that most centenarians cover their asses with towels after leaving the shower:
Still not convinced that you should hide your ass? Just check out this graph illustrating a frightening link between men showing their ass to their wife and then accidentally driving into a ravine within the next six months:
Pretty striking. But what about if you want to look at your spouse’s ass? Well, that’s just one of life’s cruel little jokes. If you want to take a peek at what your partner is packing on the backside, you probably won’t ever get to meet your grandkids. The choice is yours.
Even if it turns out that hiding your ass from your spouse can only extend your life up to 500 years, you’d be an idiot to turn down those extra centuries of living. You have absolutely nothing to lose by permanently concealing your ass from your spouse, and potentially you could gain immortality. So, what are you waiting for?