If you want to act like a real New Yorker, you gotta know the rules of the rails.

1. Don’t remove the seats: Hey, buddy, those chairs belong on the train! Cutting out a seat with a hacksaw and taking it home with you is a major subway foul.

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2. Never stand in front of the train: It’s tempting to hold the train for a friend by jumping onto the tracks and standing in front of the train, but that delays the whole train and makes everyone late.

3. Avoid swallowing the subway pole: You’ll get major glares if you impale yourself on the subway pole from mouth to rectum. Riders can’t hold on if you’re in the way.

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4. If a pregnant woman boards the train, don’t announce she’s carrying the next Hitler: New Yorkers get a bad rap, but they’re actually a pretty courteous bunch. Telling a pregnant woman that her baby will grow up into a genocidal dictator isn’t considered polite.

5. Put your bags on the roof: Sorry, but your bags aren’t entitled to their own seat. Toss them on the roof of the train where they belong.

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6. Always perform hip-hop acrobatics: Real New Yorkers can’t get enough of gymnastic feats of agility set to the latest hip-hop tracks. You’re going to get angry looks from fellow straphangers unless you place a boom box on the floor and do some backflips.

7. Don’t spread your legs so wide that they overtake the entire subway car and expand across the known universe: This is just basic etiquette. When you’re sitting down, remember to keep your legs in check and make sure they’re not so wide that they’re overtaking the entire cosmos.

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8. If you see something, say something: It can be easy to mess this up, so practice seeing things and saying things before your trip to NYC.

9. Remember that only aspiring actors can say “Next stop, Broadway!”: The train will drop you off at a theater and you will be offered the lead role in their play, which is a waste of everyone’s time if you don’t actually want to become a Broadway star.

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10. Don’t kill the train conductor so you can marry his wife: Believe it or not, this isn’t just rude—it’s also illegal. Murdering the train conductor and stealing his family will get you slapped with a hefty fine.