Yeah baby, let’s do this! We’ve got the richest people on the whole of the planet, and you’ve got to bet your goddamn entire ass that we’ve got that disgustingly rich sultan everyone loves somewhere on this list! Go ahead and slog through the rest of these dudes if you really want, but you better get ready for that sultan. He’s coming right fucking up.


1. That Goddamn Computer Guy

Coming in at Number One Rich Boy Supreme is this goddamn computer guy. This sexually active genius is rich as all of fuck and he knows it. He probably drives around in all twelve of his cars at the same time screaming, “I’m rich from computers, motherfuckers!” He got rich from marrying a computer or something. It doesn’t matter, because you guys aren’t here for the Silicon sex maniac—you’re here for the fucking sultan! He’s coming up soon, we promise!


2. Cigarette Professor

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Look, we know you’re crazy for the very rich sultan, but first we have to show you this Cigarette Professor, who is so rich that he probably has a billion dollars and one thousand dollars all at the same time. The cigarette professor is incredible, but spades are spades: He’s pointless wealthy nonsense compared to the sultan we’re all craving. So, quick! On we go! The main event is just around the corner. Let’s leave Sr. Cigarro in the dust and get straight to it: that goddamn sultan!


3. The Sultan

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Yeah baby! Here you fucking go! It’s that fucking sultan we’re thinking about all the time! We could hardly wait for him, and now here he is! He’s technically not even one of the five richest people on Earth, but we pulled some strings and got him here for you! Yeah! Get those eyes real up close to that screen and soak in this goddamn sultan’s face! The incredible sultan at last! He got rich because his dad was one sultan and his mom was nine sultans and with parents like that, baby, yes please you are gonna get born like a sultan! Bang! Here he is! The fucking sultan! All right, sadly we’ve got to move on to the other Rich Boys on this list. Goodbye, Sultan, you gorgeous goddamn cash tycoon.


4. Warren

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We know it sucks to leave the goddamn sultan, but now we’ve got to show you this guy. It’s Warren, the richest man to ever be old. He got his billions from Wall Street, which is just a fancy way of saying that he got his money from not being a sultan. It would be much better if Warren was that lovely fucking money bastard—and you know we’re talking about the sultan—but no, instead he’s just some Wall Street guy who nobody wants to look at. Whatever. Let’s see the next billionaire on this list.


5. Some Goddamn Guy

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Who the fuck is this? Doesn’t matter. He’s for sure very rich and got that way because he invented jewels or something. Who cares? He’s not the sultan. Remember the sultan? That guy was awesome. He was an actual fucking sultan! Why can’t we just see him again? You know what?

Fuck it.


6. The Sultan

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Oh yeah, baby!!! Here we go! We went and got you that very fucking rich goddamn sultan once again! It’s the sultan we lusted for, and baby, it’s the sultan we got! Every day is a poem when you’ve got this rich-as-groin sultan to look at! Enjoy it, everyone! Look at this fucking sultan all you want! Look at him all day long, and when somebody asks you why you are screaming with joy in front of your computer, just tell them, “You know why!” and they’ll say, “Oh, of course! You’re looking at the extremely fucking wealthy goddamn sultan!” Ah, at last! Welcome to Sultan Town, population: you and the sultan. Yeah.