Illustration for article titled The Definitive Ranking Of Everyone In This Chinese Dragon Costume

All right, let’s get down to it.


9. Gene

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Coming in at the bottom of the list is Gene, who quite frankly is absolutely blowing it as the dragon’s tail. Listen, Gene, this isn’t a fucking conga line. You can’t pop your head out and wave at people. It ruins the whole illusion. This is definitely Gene’s last time in the dragon.


8. Li

Illustration for article titled The Definitive Ranking Of Everyone In This Chinese Dragon Costume

Okay, Li was really nice to fill in at the last minute when Jon got the stomach flu, but he’s never been in a dragon before and—let’s face it—it shows. Thanks anyway, Li.


7. Tao

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This asshole regularly shows up late to the parade, barely knows the choreography, and still has the balls to keep threatening that he’s gonna quit and go start his own dragon? Is he doing better than Li and Gene? Sure. But not by much.


6. Jenny

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Before you get all up in arms about Jenny being at number six, you have to remember that she wore flip-flops to the last parade, which was rude and unprofessional. Jenny may be one of the better dragon members we have, but she still has to abide by the dress code like everyone else.


5. Wei

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Look, some people may put Wei at the top of their list, but even they have to admit that this guy is just a little too into it right now. His enthusiasm is good, but not when it starts to feel like a competitive thing. Being in the dragon is about being part of a team. This isn’t the Wei show.


4. Fred

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When Fred started out, he was the only one in the dragon. He worked his way up to the head, and that’s where he’s been for years. But he’s not quite as limber as he used to be, and his coughing is becoming a distraction. Still, Fred will always be a legend.


3. Anna-Sophia

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Anna-Sophia is holding her weight, as usual. Such a pro.


2. Cole

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Two months ago, Cole could barely hold his dragon pole up straight. But between staying late after rehearsal to practice tail lifts and giving it his all during the last two parades, the guy has really cleaned up his act, and now he’s number two on this list. Who knows? He keeps it up, he might even get to operate the head one day.


1. ???

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And coming it at number one…who the hell is this guy? He just came out of nowhere and started doing all these crazy moves. Whoever he is, he’s fucking crushing it. We’ve gotta make sure we get this guy’s contact info after the parade.

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