With her propane-tank-sized head and moronic antics, Betty Boop has long been the international symbol for feminine perfection. There’s nary a grandpa on Earth whose libido hasn’t gone bonkers at the sight of Boop at least once in his life, save these exceptional grandpas who have never once become horny from Ms. Boop’s many charms.
1. Skip Brentwood
It’s not often you find a man like Skip. Even when shown the raciest Betty Boop clips, such as the one in which an anthropomorphic vulture flies away with her garter belt or a mountain giant shakes her in the air flirtatiously while tap-dancing forest critters look on, Skip swears up and down that Betty Boop does nothing for him in the horniness department. He’s just always been more of a Clarabelle Cow man. How any red-blooded American grandpa could avoid getting a stiffy for Betty Boop is a complete mystery, but Skip is proof that anything is possible.
2. Harold Klein
How could any grandpa not become horny from Betty Boop? With her gorgeous softball-sized eyes and enchanting seagull-like voice, it takes a very particular man to find fault with Betty. But one such man is Harold Klein. While Harold finds Betty’s hair—with its inch-wide part and bear-claw-shaped protuberances—to be intensely titillating, his major hang-up is her utter lack of a neck, which reminds him of a similarly neckless girl from his youth who once broke his heart. Every time he sees Betty Boop’s immense 95-pound cranium balanced precariously atop her narrow shoulders, it brings back memories of his old sweetheart and fills him with sadness.
3. Bernard Croden
Here’s an incredible America who deserves everyone’s respect. Bernard Croden has never once lusted after Betty Boop despite owning several Betty Boop T-shirts and having long enjoyed her cartoons. But why? The truth is that Bernard has always been under the impression that, with such an alluringly ass-shaped skull and flawless centimeter-wide mouth slit, Betty Boop must surely be the president’s wife, as no one on Earth could ever be worthy of such a transcendently beautiful woman except the most powerful man alive. Thus, out of respect for the Oval Office, Bernard has resisted becoming horny for Betty Boop throughout all 14 presidential administrations during his lifetime, believing her to be America’s perennial first lady.
4. Cecil Lewis
Due to a near-fatal motorcycle accident in his youth, 72-year-old Cecil has been comatose for nearly five decades now and has never really had a chance to get horny for anything, let alone Betty Boop. Over the years, various doctors and loved ones have attempted to coax him into horniness for Betty Boop by sitting alongside his hospital bed and reading to him about her sexy lopsided proportions and even tracing her eyes onto his limp, inert torso so he can feel just how breathtakingly far apart from one another they are, but all to no avail. You have to imagine that this would all make him unbearably horny if he were in a conscious state, but sadly he is not.
5. Kenneth Merwood
A veteran of World War II, Kenneth spent five long weeks stranded in frozen mud in a foxhole fighting the Battle of the Bulge, all alone save for a single tattered picture of Betty Boop. Assuming that the woman in the picture was the stunning young wife of one of his fallen squad members, Kenneth did everything he could to avoid becoming horny for her, constantly splashing cold water on his groin and slapping himself in the face to stave off any incipient desires. After the end of the war, Kenneth’s amazing resolve continued, and he has avoided any and all horniness for Betty Boop to this day. For both his service to his country and his steadfast refusal to become horny for Betty Boop, Kenneth Merwood is a hero who should be a household name.
