Finding the perfect suit can be a little daunting, but don’t worry. Follow these tips and you’re guaranteed to look sharp.
1. Know whether you’re buying a suit for business or for riding roller coasters: The first thing to consider is, why do you need your suit in the first place? Wool suits are popular office wear, but if you’re going to spend all day outdoors on the Kingda Ka or Superman: Ride of Steel, you should select a fabric that breathes more, like cotton or linen.
2. The ornamental arm should always be on the left side: Remember: A suit’s third arm should dangle from the left side of your chest. The easiest way to spot a poorly made jacket is to see if the third arm looks hastily tacked to the right side or front of the suit.
3. A good tailor will place your genitals in his mouth to measure a perfect fit: This is what separates the experts from the amateurs. If he’s measuring your testicles and penis just by cupping them with his hands, there’s basically no way your pants will be the right size.
4. Cut the fabric with scissors to see if the cloth regenerates: Never buy a suit without putting it through the scissors test first. It’s not worth spending hundreds of dollars on an outfit if it can’t spontaneously heal itself.
5. The salesman’s suit will be the best one in the shop: Of course he’s going to try to keep it for himself, but don’t let him. Demand that he strip and sell you whatever he’s wearing.
6. Ask for a shirt a member of the Rat Pack died in: This can be a little pricey, but it’s totally worth it.
7. Your tie will pick you: Not sure which tie matches your suit? Don’t worry about it. Just enter the Hall of Ties at the mall, where one of them will leap off the wall and snake around your neck.
8. You should be able to look in the mirror and confirm you’ve become your father: Do you look in the mirror and see your father’s graying hair, wrinkled face, and weary eyes? That’s the mark of a good suit.