The capital of Peru, Lima is an ancient South American city where the past meets the present. If you’ve only got 24 hours to spend there, here are the things you absolutely must do.

1. Visit the catacombs at Iglesia y Convento de San Francisco and search the eyeholes of all the skulls for the keys to a brand-new Jeep Grand Cherokee: The pitch-black caves can definitely be scary, but once you stick your fingers into a 600-year-old skull and find that beeper to your brand-new car, it’ll all be worth it. Plus, contests happen daily, so if you leave empty-handed, just come back tomorrow!

2. Conquer Lima in the name of Spain once again: Honor the legacy of famed conquistador Francisco Pizarro by defeating Lima’s mayor and reestablishing Spanish control over its former territory! You’ll return to the motherland a hero!

3. Tattoo “LIMA” on your right knuckles, “PERU” on your left knuckles, “SOUTH AMERICA” on your belly, “I WENT” on your right thigh, and “THERE” on your left thigh: Sure, it will take a few weeks to heal, but the next time someone asks you where you went on vacation, all you’ll have to do is become nude.

4. Sample some guinea pig and try to act surprised by the flavor like you haven’t been eating your children’s pet guinea pigs for years: Ah, yes, an exotic delicacy that you’ve absolutely… never tried before. Lucky for you, Peruvians call guinea pig “cuy” and not “Speckles, the class pet,” so you’ll be able to wolf it down without ever letting on that you had anything to do with the six different pets that gradually went missing from your son’s room after you acquired a taste for it.

5. Restore Peru’s guano trade to its former glory by feeding a few drops of Pepsi to a big seabird: Before you leave, just put a few drops of soda in a condor’s beak and give it a good shake! You’ll have thousands of pounds of lucrative, high-quality fertilizer pouring out of that monster in no time.

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