Six of the best skateboarders in the world. Six tricks even they cannot do.


1. Pierre-Luc Gagnon

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“I’ve always wanted to do a 540˚ and then land so hard that I make an enormous hole in the halfpipe. I added the 540˚ into the trick recently, because when I just did the second part, fans would always get very upset once they realized I wasn’t doing a skateboard trick so much as I was jumping off the ramp and trying to destroy the halfpipe. Ultimately, I’m way too light to cause an enormous hole, but the good news is that I’m planning on gaining a lot of weight very soon.”


2. Ryan Sheckler

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“Oh, the One Hundred Dollar Kickflip, for sure. It’s a kickflip done so well that it inspires someone in the crowd to stand up and give the skateboarder one hundred dollars. I’m talking American dollars, too. Most of the time when a kickflip goes really well, people in the crowd will give you a couple bucks—they can get pretty astounded by the spinning board and feel compelled to tip you—but being able to get one hundred dollars? Even if it’s not a crisp, clean Franklin and is just something like, I dunno, five Hamiltons and one Grant, that would be okay by me. I’m not picky; I’d just like one hundred dollars.”


3. Elliot Sloan

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“This isn’t really a skateboard trick, but I’m always trying to fill my entire helmet with rainwater, and it just ends up going through those holes in the top.”


4. Nyjah Huston

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“I’d love to finally pull off the Iron Horse, which is a recitation of the entirety of Lou Gehrig’s ‘Luckiest Man On The Face Of The Earth’ speech done while grinding a rail. It’s just such an incredible speech, and I really want to honor him. That guy played in 2,130 consecutive games, for God’s sake! But the speech is so emotional that I always end up crying, and then I fall down. I usually start crying when I remember that he died. The furthest I’ve ever gotten is the part when he says ‘To have spent six years with that wonderful little fellow, Miller Huggins,’ so I still have a long way to go.”


5. Lacey Baker

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“The Tim Taylor Trick, also known as The Trick Of The 4 Ts. This trick consists of taking apart your skateboard and then reassembling it, all in midair, just like the way that famous fictional tool man Tim ‘The Tool Man’ Taylor would have done if he loved to skateboard and do skateboard tricks. It’s the wheels that give me the most trouble, what with all those tiny wheel parts.”


6. Bob Burnquist

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“I’ve been trying to adapt David Foster Wallace’s Infinite Jest into a skateboard trick, but I’ve had a hell of a time trying to incorporate the endnotes.”