Hope you’re sitting down, because we have some huge news! Love is in the air, the wedding bells are clanging, and cupid’s quiver is empty today, because the two people who bullied you in high school just announced that they’re getting married!!!
Wow! The two people who made your life an unremitting hell look blissfully happy in their engagement photo, like they don’t even remember spreading the rumor that the reason your acne was so bad freshman year was because you had chlamydia!
What makes this fairy tale truly incredible is that the two people who would wait by your locker every morning to mock your outfit and once sold you a bottle of “tequila” junior year that was actually just urine, totally lost touch after high school, but then fate intervened during a chance meeting at a coffee shop. It may have been a decade ago that they mocked your parents for being too poor to buy you a car of your own or squirted Mountain Dew on your crotch at lunch to make it look like you peed yourself, but according to their Facebook post announcing the news, it was like no time had passed at all!
But that’s not the only magical part of this love story: Your two bullies are getting married in your hometown, and they are inviting a bunch of the other assholes and dickheads who made your adolescence hell, including your best friend in elementary school who totally abandoned you when they hit puberty and got hot. Even the teacher who did absolutely nothing after you told him about how much you were being tormented is on the guest list! The reception is being held at the local country club, where all the guests will reminisce about high school but not feel any remorse for the shit they put you through and still refer to you as “Meatball” whenever you come up in a story.
If they remembered your real name, they probably would have invited you as a prank!
Wow, what an amazing tale of love, and we wish the best of luck to your high school bullies in their new life together. If the two people who made you shake with anxiety on the school bus every day from age 14 to 18 can find love, maybe there is hope for the rest of us!