Figuring out what to do with your body after you die is a tough decision, but it’s safe to say that one 81-year-old Philip Bauers picked the absolute worst thing to do with his. When this Skokie, IL resident died last month, he generously donated his body to science, but it ended up being a huge hassle because now scientists feel all obligated to do something with it.

Ugh. What a burden.

According to friends and family, Bauers had always hoped to one day give his body to medical research, though he clearly hadn’t thought about how annoying that would be to researchers who would then have to figure out how the hell they were going to use it. After the donation went through, doctors said they understood where Bauers was coming from, but also said it sucks to feel pressure to experiment on him only because it would stink to have a whole human body go to waste.


“We’re only trying to find something to do with Philip’s remains because it feels a little rude just to take one look at them and immediately throw them out,” said Jaclyn Cole, lead researcher at Boston University’s anatomical laboratory, where Bauers generously donated his body last month. “Honestly, we’re using this specimen because we feel like we have to, and not because we want to. If he hadn’t just sprung a dead body on us like this, maybe we could have come up with a really cool experiment or two but now, it just feels like we’re going through the motions.”

Even before his death, Bauers was passionate about finding a cure for leukemia, but unfortunately now the doctors feel even worse because they probably aren’t going to bother doing anything vaguely cancer-related to his body. Regardless, they say they’re excited to get it over with, because literally anything is better than just having this guy’s dead body lying around the hospital all the time staring at them, practically begging to get used for scientific research.


Jeez. It’s a shame that some of our best and brightest have to use so much of their valuable time trying to find a use for this old man’s body. Let’s just hope they figure it out soon so that they can get back to work without this annoying cadaver on their minds!