The Inventory

7 Foolproof Tips For Passing Your Daughter Off As A Crawfish So You Only Have To Buy One Disneyland Pass

The 4 Best N64 Games About Giving Bernie Mac A Haircut

All Of The Glorious R-Rated Movies I Have Seen In My 8 Brief Years On This Spinning Orb

Don’t Understand Net Neutrality Since That Horse Kicked You In The Head? Hush Now, And Look At The River

Having trouble understanding the nuances of net neutrality regulation ever since that horse kicked you upside the head? That’s just fine—you relax and look out at the river, now. Look it how the light sparkles off it just right, and don’t you turn around to look at me now, you hear?

Major Misfire: This Kid Clearly Thought ‘MasterChef Junior’ Was Some Sort Of Bodybuilding Contest

Yesterday 11:00AM

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Probably A Lost Cause: 6 Amazing Quotes That Would Be Pretty Inspirational To Horses If They Could Understand Them

Yesterday 10:40AM

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Disgusting Privilege: Cap’n Crunch Was Only Forgiven For The ‘Oops! All Berries’ Debacle Because He’s A Straight White Man

5/08/19 11:37AM

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PR Nightmare: Cap’n Crunch Went On ‘The Late Late Show’ And Made A Drunken Pass At Zendaya And Then Vomited All Over James Corden’s Lap

5/08/19 11:30AM

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When My Ship Was Marooned At Sea, We Resorted To Cannibalism Even Though We Still Had Plenty Of Cap’n Crunch Cereal We Could Have Eaten Instead

5/08/19 10:00AM

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Body Positivity FTW! Cap’n Crunch Just Became The First Breakfast Cereal Mascot To Show Off His C-Section Scar On A Cereal Box

5/08/19 10:00AM

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Good To Know: The Makers Of Cap’n Crunch Have Revealed That The Cap’n Uses The Bathroom Outside Like A Dog

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Devastating: This Woman’s Workplace Is So Feminist She Will Never Know Whether She Is Incompetent At Her Job

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Extremely Irritating: This Annoying Mom Won’t Stop Sending Her Son Emails Every Single Time She Sees Someone From His High School On PornHub

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Unforced Error: Elmer’s Glue Just Released An Extremely Body-Negative Series Of Ads As Part Of A New ‘Only Perfect 10s Use Elmer’s’ Campaign

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Don’t Judge A Book By Its Cover: This Town Was Scared Of An Undead Clown That Chops People Apart With Its Axe, Until They Learned It Only Kills Those Who Have Committed The Sin Of Lust

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Dizzying Paradox: This Man Is Not Hungry, But Could Eat

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‘Queer Eye’ Fans, Rejoice! The Fab Five Is Adding A Sixth Member Named ‘Pig Boy’ Who Bites Those Responsible For A Participant’s Self-Esteem Issues

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Not Feeling It Today: Ellen DeGeneres Just Turned On A ‘Magic School Bus’ Episode For Her Audience And Fell Asleep In The Corner Of The Studio

4/19/19 12:00PM

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Best Celeb Ever: Chris Pratt Showed Up At This Fan’s Death To Weigh His Heart Against A Feather And Find Out If He Was Worthy To Pass Into The Kingdom of Osiris

4/18/19 12:30PM

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Beautiful: This Aunt Spent All Month Researching Hentai So She’d Have Something To Talk About With Her Nephew This Easter

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6 Poems About Slime Written By Idiots

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Ah, Christ. Not Another Bladder Full Of Urine.

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Absolutely Infuriating: George R.R. Martin Wasted Time Eating Dinner Instead Of Writing His Next Book

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Don’t You Fucking Dare Tabletop One Of These World War II Veterans

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