These are the penises that kept you out of the woods as a child thanks to your grandfather’s horrifying descriptions.
1. The spined penis of the feral cat
When your grandpa sat you down on his lap to read to you from a book called Cautionary Penises Of The Woods that he wrote and illustrated himself, the first chapter was all about the spiny penis of the common feral cat. “The dark shade of the woods hides scores of feral cats and their barbed dicks,” Gramps would read while puffing on his tobacco pipe, smoke curling from his lips. “Looking like a tube of rose-colored lipstick crossed with a cactus, the penis of a cat remains hidden inside its body until ready to strike. Beware the woods, for they are haunted by the penis of the cat.” And beware you did.
2. The bonelike tortoise penis
When Grandpa would offer you a Jolly Rancher if you could tell him which animal’s penis is half the length of its body and becomes bone-hard when erect, you knew the answer was the tortoise, for the tortoise penis was a penis you knew all too well. Whenever you ventured close to the wood line on Grandpa’s farm, all it took was a quick flash of the Polaroid of a tortoise penis he kept folded in his wallet to deter you from going any farther.
3. The body-length penis of the Argentine lake duck
Grandpa was known to tell a tall tale here and there, but when it came to animal penises, he was always deathly serious. That’s why when he told you that there was a duck whose penis is so long that it uses it to lasso its mates, you knew he wasn’t pulling your leg. Grandpa would wake you in the middle of the night and whisper urgently, “You hear that? Out there in the woods? That flapping and whistling sound? That’s the Argentine lake duck’s wang.” Visions of that duck’s disturbingly overlong member wrapping around your neck rule your nightmares to this day, and your fear of being entangled by the duck’s phallus are the reason you carry pruning shears when you step anywhere near the woods.
4. The elephant’s gigantic penis
“An elephant’s dick is a reminder that God is a pervert psychopath,” said your grandpa after a lengthy period of silence around the campfire a safe distance from the forest one chilly November night. “It’s the concept of fear molded into a pebbly, distended pendulum. And it rules the woods with an iron fist.” Despite being a rebellious teenager at the time, no amount of peer pressure could get you to go into the woods where that penis dwells.
5. The detachable penis of the argonaut octopus
As your grandpa lay on his death bed, he called you to his side. With labored breath he croaked something nearly unintelligible about an octopus whose penis could literally detach from its body. “The woods… octopus… beware the argonaut… for its penis… comes off… it comes all the way off.” Those were his last words. Surely it was the dementia talking, you thought. But that night curiosity got the best of you and you Googled it.
You’ll never step foot within a 100-yard radius of the woods again.