Buddha is always trying to steal every last scrap of cash you have. It’s simply unsustainable for Buddha to take so much of your income through trickery, scams, and sometimes even brute force. Here are five safe places you can put your money that even Buddha won’t be able to get into.

1. At a local, community-focused credit union: Big banks like Chase or Bank of America are simply too corporate and impersonal to withstand Buddha’s guile. As you know from the number of times a teller at your bank has told you that she gave Buddha all of your money simply because he claimed he was you, opening an account at one of the massive banks is as good as forking all your live savings over to Buddha.


Credit unions do not have that problem because they form personal connections with their customers and will be able to instantly tell that the massive, floating deity is not you. Move your money over to one of these and it will be safe from Buddha’s fingers as long as it’s there.

2. Inside any book: Buddha was once reincarnated as a hamster who got crushed under a big pile of books after a library shelf was accidentally tipped over by a child who had just tried alcohol for the first time. Because of this, Buddha has retained a fear of books, and runs out of the room immediately if he ever sees one. Your stack of $20s will be more than safe from the great spiritual leader if it’s snuggled between the covers of a good novel.

3. Inside of Buddha’s pockets: Buddha hates being weighed down by earthly possessions, so he never puts things in his pockets, or uses them at all. As such, he doesn’t have a very firm grasp of how pockets work; specifically, it seems that he doesn’t know that you are able to take something out of a pocket that’s been put inside of it.


So, if you sneak up behind Buddha and put your cash in one of his pockets, a few moments later he’ll realize something is amiss and become incredibly uncomfortable due to the added weight in his pants. After just a couple of minutes of struggling to get the cash out of his pocket by passive-aggressively whispering mean things about rats, which he assumes is what’s actually in his pocket, he will give up, take his pants off, and run away.

He’ll never want to put on that pair of pants again, so scoop them up, and, as along as your cash is inside of them, it is safe from Buddha for sure.

4. Inside the DVD of Gandhi, Buddha’s least favorite film: Buddha likes to act like he isn’t the jealous type, but it’s an open secret that he has a beef with the man credited for India’s emancipation from British rule. India used to be his domain back in the day, but it has since fallen to other cultural and religious forces that have made Buddha just another face in the crowd.


Simply tuck your cash inside of the DVD case of a copy of Gandhi, or if you don’t have that, a copy of Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star, for that is a movie that Buddha has expressed multiple times he has no interest in seeing, and Buddha will never even get close to stealing it.

5. In front of a photo of Buddha from before he put on the weight: Buddha is pretty preachy about accepting your circumstances and appearance, but he’s still kind of human, so just like anyone else it pains him to remember a time when he had a tight body that everybody wanted to get with.

Delicately place your cash in front of a photo of skinny Buddha so it reveals just enough of the photo that Buddha will know what it is and he’ll never remove the money for fear of having to see the hot little bod he used to rock before life and career stuff just sort of got in the way, little by little, until one day he woke up and realized he’d been using his kettle bell to prop up his coffee table for the past few years and how it just seemed insurmountable to get back into it now.


Follow this tip, and your money is as good as yours!