Your coworker cries salty tears into his laptop every day because none of his children will produce silk from their abdomens for him to sell to various dealers and tradesmen. These simple suggestions will help you put a smile on your coworker’s face when his silk troubles tank his work productivity.
1. Create a Slack channel for him to rag on his silk-less children: The #my-disobedient-and-witholding-children-refuse-to-spin-silken-cocoons-from-their-abdomens Slack channel is a perfect place for your coworker to vent his frustrations to a sympathetic audience. He can post GIFs of silkworms captioned, “Certainly not happening in my household anytime soon…smh,” and reply to your images of luxurious spools of silk with a detailed description of the amount of overhead he could save on manufacturing costs if his children would just start producing silk already. Pretty soon, his mood will perk right up.
2. Install The Sims on his work computer so he can live out his fantasy of running a business empire called “Silk Papa’s Robe Emporium”: Your coworker got the idea for the whole silk thing after thinking up the catchphrase “From my children’s abdomens to yours” and working backwards from there. Right now, his plan is to use the silk to make a line of what he calls “dinner robes,” which he envisions being worn by wealthy men who eat dinner in their jacuzzis. While your coworker believes his silk-less children are the only thing standing in his way of becoming a fashion magnate, it can be cathartic for him to live out the thrills of the industry in a rich 3D world in which he is able to collect silk spun fresh from the abdomens of his children and convert it into a product for the elite.
3. Take him on a walk to get some fresh air: If you spot your coworker wistfully crossing out “Made In China” on the tags of his silk shirts and writing “Made In My Child’s Belly,” you can bet he could use some time away from his desk. A relaxing walk outside of the office can be the perfect way to help him get some distance from the fact that his children are not producing any silk from their abdomens to speak of. And make sure you tell him to stare at the ground for the entire walk, because the white, billowing clouds may remind him of the piles of raw silk his kids aren’t generating from their bodies.
4. Bring him to church: If your coworker doesn’t already know that church is a thing, his spirits will soar when he learns that there’s a place he can go to ask God for better children whose silk he can harvest and turn for a profit in the open marketplace. Even if his prayers aren’t answered, there’s still the chance that your coworker could end up getting super into Jesus and just kind of forget about the whole silk thing in the first place.
5. If all else fails, get him an ergonomic chair to support his back so he can really let it all out with deep, guttural wails: Sometimes you’ve just got to cry it out, and if your coworker remains inconsolable about the silk-less state of his children’s bellies while working five feet away from you in your open-plan office, the best option may be to just let him have at it. Though he probably won’t be able to speak through his tears, know your coworker is thankful to have a spine well-aligned as he scrolls through his empty Etsy store of homemade silken wares.