Good grades aren’t enough to get accepted to your dream graduate program. Here are tips for writing a convincing personal statement.

1. Explain that you are horny for more debt: If you are hot and lusty to take out additional student loans, make sure the admissions office knows that. Phrases like “My romance zone is throbbing wet to pay compound interest” will show how motivated you are.

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2. Tell them you’ve got an Obama-style ‘Dreams From My Father’ situation going on: A compelling life story will catch a university’s attention, so if your whole deal is pretty much a classic Dreams From My Father scenario, they’ll swallow that Obama type of inspirational tale hook, line, and sinker.

3. Demand to become the university’s provost: This is all a negotiation, so ask for more than you want and haggle the university down to just admitting you as a graduate student.

4. Say that arson isn’t one of your inspirations to attend grad school: Universities tend to be wary of candidates who enjoy lighting buildings on fire and watching the captivating flames. Always state that you want to get your graduate degree for non-arson-related reasons.

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5. Ask them if this is all a mistake: Maybe going to graduate school would be a terrible misstep in your life. For peace of mind, end your personal statement with, “I am unsure about all this, so please let me know if I shouldn’t go to grad school.” Admissions boards love seeing applicants who haven’t yet made up their minds if grad school will bring about the complete destruction of their lives or not.