A lot can change in the nine months until the 2017 NBA Draft, but there’s no question: None of these interstellar beings have a chance to hear their names called out.
1. Uobbikxo: If this interstellar traveler somehow gets drafted, expect him to be the biggest bust since Greg Oden. One thing’s for sure: Any GM who takes a flier on Uobbikxo deserves to be fired, plain and simple.
2. Glorf: We’re not mincing words here: After studying our species for over 300 years, Glorf still does not understand the human concept of basketball. Maybe next time, Glorf.
3. Kagaris-9: Play alongside Kevin Durant and Steph Curry? Yeah, right. This alien has a better shot of returning to the home planet destroyed in the Rebellion of Caznorn than signing a contract with a professional basketball team. And you can take that to the bank.
4. [NAME IMPOSSIBLE TO PUT INTO HUMAN LANGUAGE]: It may have a great hook shot, but in all honesty, with its gaseous body that can easily be passed through by other players, [NAME IMPOSSIBLE TO PUT INTO HUMAN LANGUAGE]’s defensive skills just aren’t up to snuff to make the 2017 draft.
5. Travis Mercer: At first glance, he may seem like a normal human shooting guard, but Travis is actually a parasitic life force sent from an advanced civilization in the Crab Nebula to infiltrate the human race. He has a decent outside shot and lockdown defense, but unfortunately this trans-galactic being chose an 18-year-old host, meaning he is not old enough to declare for next year’s draft. Be sure to catch this prospect playing at DePaul next year, though.
6. Snud: Sorry, Snud fans, but until Snud’s acidic sweat stops melting every basketball he touches, he’s going to remain undrafted. And that’s all there is to be said about Snud.