Identity theft is a stressful, trying, and, unfortunately, all-too-common experience. Here are the first six steps to take immediately after you find out that your identity has been stolen.

1. Have your identity canceled: It’s important to do this as soon as you discover your information has been compromised, as it can sometimes take the government’s elite team of snipers up to 24 hours to lock into position.


2. Give a dignified concession speech: Nobody likes a sore loser. As soon as you realize that your identity’s been stolen, give a dignified concession speech in which you pay respect to the winner of your identity and bow out gracefully.

3. Promptly spend all your money on dogs that you can always sell later on: Beat the identity thief to the punch. Take your money out of the bank and spend it on hundreds and hundreds of dogs, which the crook won’t have access to. Once your identity is secure again, you can always sell the dogs and get all your money back.

4. Go on a long scooter ride to clear your thoughts: Dealing with a breach in privacy like this is incredibly stressful, and before you confront this difficult life obstacle, you’ll want to make sure that your mind is clear and your spirit is at peace.


5. File a lawsuit against the company that made your wallet chain: That bad boy was supposed to be your first line of defense, but it proved to be utterly impotent when under siege.

6. Assume the identity of Laura Dern: Seems like it’d be pleasant—she’s a very lovely woman.