If you’re choking alone in your apartment, you’re going to want to make your bare, loveless pad look like you had an adoring family before the cops discover your body and pity the lonely life you lived. Here are seven quick tips to get the job done.
1. Photoshop yourself into a stock picture of a family smiling and make it your home screen: The moment you start choking, the first thing to do is to stumble over to your laptop, find a convincing stock picture of a family smiling, and Photoshop yourself into it. When the police see a picture of you along with those happy faces, they’ll conclude that you had an adoring family who, by a stroke of terrible luck, was not home when you perished. Remember: You only have 90 seconds before you lose consciousness, so don’t worry about making the Photoshop perfect!
2. Draw some shitty pictures and hang them on your fridge so the police think you had kids: A couple terrible drawings of flowers or dinosaurs hanging on your fridge are another great way to trick the police into thinking you had at least one adoring child who will miss you after you pass. If you feel like you still have enough oxygen left, consider going all out and doodling an entire stick-figure family so the police can get an idea of who exactly you’re leaving behind.
3. Set a candlelit dinner for two and leave a handwritten anniversary card on the counter: This is essential. As your vision begins to fade, don’t forget to prepare a romantic dinner for two, complete with a three-course meal in the kitchen, candles on the table, and a letter to your spouse about your everlasting love on the counter. When the police discover this heartbreaking scene, they’ll be sure to see you as someone who lived a happy, love-filled life.
4. Google a bunch of different ways to talk to your son about his obesity problem: A great, last-minute tip to convince the cops you had a loving family is to quickly Google a ton of different methods on how to talk to your son about his weight gain. The detective will see that you’ve been repeatedly searching things like “How to tell my son the doctors say he is too huge” and, “My son doesn’t know he is obese yet help” and will mutter sadly to himself that it’s a shame such a caring parent died this way.
5. File an anonymous noise complaint about the sounds of a huge family loudly saying “I love you” coming from your apartment: When they find out that someone in your building had contacted the super to complain about a huge family loudly screaming things like “I love you!” and “I hope you never die!” in your apartment over and over, the police will never suspect that you were actually completely alone in life. You’re choking, so a phone call is out of the question, but sending a quick email will get the job done just as well!
6. Leave out a couple brochures for retirement homes and break a lamp so it looks like you just got into an argument with your elderly father about him moving out: Evidence of a dramatic fight between you and your elderly father clearly signals to the cops that you loved your family enough to have some tough conversations. In the moments before you completely suffocate, take the time to find brochures from top-notch retirement communities, so the police know that you weren’t trying to send your old man off to some nightmarish old home, and that you really cared about him.
7. Make a ton of sandwiches; label them “sons,” “daughters,” and “spouse”; and leave them in the fridge so the cops think you’ve already prepared your family’s lunches for the week: This one should cinch it. No one without a real family they love would make a week’s worth of lunches labeled “sons,” “daughters,” and “spouse.” As soon as the cops see your fridge totally loaded up with sandwiches, they’ll have no doubt that your death is a tragedy for the beloved family you are leaving behind, but that your spirit will continue to inspire them as they struggle to pick up the pieces and realize they will have to make their sandwiches themselves from now on.