He was America’s favorite teen heartthrob, and he’s here to decimate your floors.


1. When you gaze into JTT’s crystal-blue eyes, the sound of your khakis rocketing off your hips and utterly annihilating the tile of your kitchen will be deafening.

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2. WARNING: Do not look directly at this picture, or your trousers may lodge themselves inextricably into your home’s foundation. Even those living in a primitive cabin or tent will turn their dirt floor into a fine mulch after a moment’s glance at this picture.

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3. If your kitchen has any significant historical value, like perhaps a Civil War general had used it as a field headquarters 150 years ago, we apologize that this picture of Jonathan Taylor Thomas wearing a suit just like a hot little man has thoroughly obliterated this precious window to the past after your shorts blew it all to hell.

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4. Hope you Googled “scrupulous retilers in my area” on a separate tab before looking at even one pixel of this little ’90s eroticism nugget.

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5. The terrifying descent of your chinos has surely caused any belt you were wearing to shear off your hipbones, collapsing your pelvis into an unrecognizable train wreck of bones and your floor into a dusty ceramic nightmare. It is the price we all happily pay to gaze upon Jonathan Taylor Thomas, forever trapped in his own nubility.

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6. Thank you, tanned boy prince of sexual awakenings, for sending our Levi’s burrowing toward the center of the Earth where they belong. It is right that they obliterated 120 square feet of marble on their blissful path. The kitchen floor is the enemy of this steam-choked picture of JTT, and now order has been restored to the universe.

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7. Start mixing the mortar.

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