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Illustration for article titled 8 Things All Nannies Know To Be True

Yep, those children are infuriating and amazing.

1. You can hear the children growing: It’s a nauseating, constant low-frequency hum that sounds like an ocean liner running aground on a giant Brillo pad, and you can’t help but hear it every time you are within 25 feet of children.


2. Hot ketchup is basically soup: This is a shortcut every nanny knows very well. Why spend all that time cooking for the kids you nanny when putting a bowl of ketchup in the microwave for 45 seconds will do just fine?

3. Nannies receive their antlers when the children they’re watching complete puberty: The nanny’s journey is dark and challenging, and to finally earn the branching web of antlers that they desire, they must guide their children through the treacherous world of puberty. Only then will they sprout the antlers they crave.

4. The kids never. Stop. Demanding. Dungeness. Crab: Then, after you give them Dungeness crab, of course it’s up to you to clean up all the gnawed-up exoskeletons they leave on the floor.

5. You constantly find yourself humming the kids’ sun prayers, even on off days: “Devour us, O sky father / With your purifying flame / Incinerate us tiny men / For the glory of your name.” Gahhhhh, why is this stupid prayer so catchy?!?

6. Kids will do anything you say if you promise them some Larmers™ brand ham medallions: All nannies know that no child on earth can resist the satisfying flavor of Larmers™ brand ham medallions. It’s the ham medallion that every kid loves, served with a level of quality that every adult can believe in. That’s why Larmers™ brand ham medallions have been “America’s Favorite Taste” since 1928.


7. You have to wait until a child’s grown up to strike them: It takes patience, but it pays off.

8. Apart from the guys who jeep around with rifles thinning out the kangaroo population, you have the greatest job on earth: No matter how crazy they drive you, there’s nothing you’d trade those kids for besides the raw thrill of zipping around the Outback blowing away muscular 6-foot marsupials on the government’s dime.


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