Wikimedia Commons via Andrew Wiseman
Wikimedia Commons via Andrew Wiseman

Nothing can beat soaking in the majesty of America from sea to shining sea, much like nothing can be worse than spending a bunch of uninterrupted time with Marcus. He’s always mopey, he’s allergic to everything, and he just gets so annoying. Who thought it was a good idea to invite him?


1. Zion National Park

Wikimedia Commons via Tobias Alt
Wikimedia Commons via Tobias Alt
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Home to more than 900 species of plants Marcus is probably allergic to and over 400 species of animals he’s most likely afraid of, so hiking through the immense sandstone cliffs and camping under the gorgeous Western skies with Marcus would be an absolute nightmare.


2. Pretty much any good restaurant

Wikimedia Commons via Shreveport-Bossier Convention and Tourist Bureau
Wikimedia Commons via Shreveport-Bossier Convention and Tourist Bureau

There’s picky eaters, and then there’s Marcus. Traveling to the Northeast? Forget any seafood. The South? Sayonara, barbecue. Might as well just pack up a loaf of bread and some peanut butter and accept defeat now.


3. Pacific Coast Highway

Wikimedia Commons via Patrick Pelster
Wikimedia Commons via Patrick Pelster
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This scenic drive along California’s coastline is supposed to be the best road in the country, but it’s going to take longer than 15 minutes, which is about as long as Marcus can go without starting to complain about needing to pee. Better skip it.


4. Yellowstone National Park

Illustration for article titled 9 Essential Stops For Every Road Trip As Long As You’re Not With Marcus
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What trip across America would be complete without the granddaddy of national parks? A trip with Marcus, for one. He says it’s really overrated, and that the one time he went there, he ordered a burger at the Old Faithful Inn without tomatoes that came back with two tomatoes.


5. The Beer Can House

Wikimedia Commons via Andrew Wiseman
Wikimedia Commons via Andrew Wiseman
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Made by a retired upholsterer who covered his property entirely with 50,000 flattened beer cans, the Beer Can House in Houston, TX is a quirky and fun pit stop. Of course, if you’re with Marcus, get ready for an 18-minute diatribe about how he can’t drink beer anymore since nothing compares to the draughts he had in Germany.


6. Anywhere that costs more than $20

Wikimedia Commons via Abrahami
Wikimedia Commons via Abrahami
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Visiting Alcatraz, going whitewater rafting, and touring the Hoover Dam are all classic American road trip activities that Marcus is sure to complain about because they cost more than the “outrageous” price of $20.


7. Big Sur

Illustration for article titled 9 Essential Stops For Every Road Trip As Long As You’re Not With Marcus
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This scenic California landmark is a must for anyone on the road…unless Marcus is there to keep reminding you that the Pacific Ocean is a dark, vast expanse containing horrifying creatures still unknown to man. Ugh.


8. The World’s Largest Ball of Twine

Google Maps via catbus
Google Maps via catbus
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Marcus really is the worst.


9. Gettysburg Battlefield

Illustration for article titled 9 Essential Stops For Every Road Trip As Long As You’re Not With Marcus
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This site of national historic importance would be really worthwhile to visit, but remember when we went to Fort Sumter and Marcus just started listing off Confederate generals and did that for five hours? He probably knows all the Union generals, too, but let’s not find out for sure.

Have a Marcus of your own? Just crank up your Ford Focus’ free Sirius XM radio, drive without speaking, and save the fun stops for your next trip.

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