Boy, am I an idiot.


1. I don’t know how many times I’ve told myself—my wife likes peacocks, NOT flamingos. That, of course, didn’t stop me from mixing everything up and getting her this picture of a full-grown pink flamingo standing in water.

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2. Don’t get me wrong, this picture of a flamingo eating shrimp is fine, but it’s definitely not a peacock, the only bird my wife likes. No, instead of a picture of a beautiful peacock, with its exquisite fan of blue and green feathers, I was the world’s biggest idiot and got THIS.

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3. And, of course, not only did I get this picture AND the two previous pictures, but I got six OTHER pictures of flamingos as well. That means I had a total of nine chances to stop, ask myself if this was the type of bird my wife liked, and then say, “No, she likes the big green ones.” But not even once did that thought enter my mind, and I’m left with these. Jesus.

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4. I mean, I literally wrote it down on a Post-it the day before: “Flamingo = long legs. Peacock = long feathers.”

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5. “The tail is a fan: wife wants it from her man. Tail long and thin: to bring it is a sin.” Why did I spend seven hours coming up with that if it didn’t even work? Real swing and a miss here.

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6. From now on, every time I go to buy my wife a present, I’m going to consult this:

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7. And this:

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8. You know what? Fuck it. I’m not going to keep these—I don’t like flamingos either. Who does? If, by some small chance, anyone wants a bunch of shit pictures of flamingos flying, eating, or sleeping near a rock, I would be more than happy to offer these—as well as the countless pictures from my previous flamingo-peacock mixups—to you free of charge. These are all hellish tokens of my shortcomings.

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9. Goddamn it.

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