Illustration for article titled 9 Signs You’re Destined To Be Single

The writing is on the wall.


1. The last five people you went on dates with got snatched up by an eagle before you could go on a second date with them.

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2. You hate having to share your hair.

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3. You took a career aptitude test in ninth grade, and it said the career you were most suited for was “single veterinarian.”

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4. When you go to bed, you like to spread out over the entire room.

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5. You have only said the phrase “I love you” once, and you were talking about the idea of watching a movie alone.

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6. You love being able to walk around in your house with all your skin off.

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7. It’s hard for you to open up to people about your part in the 1990 Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum heist that resulted in the theft of $500 million worth of art.

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8. You would rather have sex with someone once than three times every hour for the rest of your life.

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9. You secretly love the idea of dying alone.

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