Life not going the way you had hoped? It’s probably not too late to do something different and take command. Just follow these steps below and you’ll be well on your way.

1. Stand up for yourself in your mind: Whether your boss is yelling at you unprovoked or your significant other is chastising you for something you didn’t do, you’ve got to be willing to imagine yourself standing up to them.

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2. Change your name to “Rowboat”: You’ll have a great conversation piece when you meet new people.

3. Stop blaming Jake Gyllenhaal for everything that’s gone wrong in your life: It’s time to stop whining about Oscar-nominated actor Jake Gyllenhaal. You’ll gain nothing by yelling at posters of Nightcrawler, End Of Watch, and Prisoners every time something doesn’t go your way.

4. Make a list of all the things you need to get done and then do them eventually: Looking to get serious about changing your life? Write down everything—and we mean everything—that you want to accomplish. Then do all that stuff in a few weeks or months or whenever is most convenient.

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5. Get really good at guitar: Most people learn guitar, but seldom do they ever get really good at it. Once you get good enough at one guitar, though, it’s time to move on to bigger and bigger guitars, until you’re a master of the biggest guitar of them all.

6. Blog more: Blogging more is a foolproof way to improve your life.

7. Figure out what you really need and then pay three times as much as it costs: Whether you want yoga classes to help you focus or a juice press to keep you healthy, you should refuse to pay the seller of any necessary items anything less than three times the actual cost. It’ll help you better understand the value of things in your life.

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8. Do not complain: Whining is unproductive and does not get the shrimp stains out of your Hyundai’s trunk lining, which really needs to be a top priority for you right now.

9. Exercise: Nothing like training yourself to jump over a horse to prove to everyone how in control you are.

Brought to you by Redd's Apple Ale

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