Children!!! Fake Sick!! Leave School Immediately! The Beloved Gas Man Is Coming To The House Today!!

Attention, children!! The time is here!! Most adored gas man is on his way to your home!!

Children!! Do not delay!! Think of putrid wet pennies until you vomit on the school nurse!! Sweet elderly gas man is coming, and he is going to turn the many knobs in the tiny closet in the hall!! A most exciting marvel to behold—you must come immediately!!


Today, learning is not important!! You hate to hear of things that are not gentle gas man, who rides the truck that shines on all sides and saves your home from the clattering noise!! Sit close beside him, and watch him fiddle with gauges!! If you’re nice, he’ll let you trap some gas in an Easter egg!

Move with haste, children!! Tell teacher you are consumed with hot fever, and sneak back home to witness the man with the van, dazzling gas man, as he sits in your driveway and smokes a cigarette!! Most glamorous old gas man who speaks of the mythical pipe with no beginning and no end, and traverses your carpet with his shoes on!!

Lo, his arrival is imminent!! Forsake your studies!

The school bell has no sway over you today, for the gas man makes his lonely walk from the truck to the bulkhead, hose under arm. Toss him an acorn along his march, and he’ll suck on it under the mistaken assumption that you coated it in protein powder first!


His eyes are kind and clouded!! His beard has a braid!! Watch him touch mother’s midriff for too long! Like the comet of Haley, there is simply no telling when he’ll return, so hustle, children! The beautiful gas man is nigh!

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