Look away, readers, from this paradox most fearsome, this contradiction most absurd, this baffling enigma whose dizzying contradictions know no precedent: This man is not hungry, but could eat.

How can it be? O, God, how?

Just a moment ago, when asked if he would be down to grab some food, this man stated plainly that he was not hungry—a simple enough statement, of course, until he shook the very foundations upon which human understanding rests by adding that he “could eat.” Yes, this man’s very existence calls into question the basic logic of our universe and twists the laws of reality beyond recognition: Without hunger, he lurches towards food. Desiring nothing, he calls out, begging to be sated. His stomach at once empty and full, he defies comprehension—and those who attempt to know his true nature are doomed to madness.

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Train not your mind on this cursed paradox, for it will only rob you of your precious sanity! Divert your attention now, and spare yourself!

To reconcile the idea that this man is “not really in the mood for anything right now” and yet, somehow, “could go for wings” is to stare into a black hole, an all-encompassing darkness that bewilders the mind with its totality. What drives this impossible creature to speak of this absence of hunger, which somehow commingles with a desire for food? What can one do but surrender one’s mind to the void of bewilderment when he says that he doesn’t want anything, but will definitely just eat whatever? What is he but a living annihilation of all meaning, an entity whose existence negates itself, a man who would be into splitting an entree but only if someone else will eat most of it?

It simply cannot be true. And yet it is. Someone, anyone, please solve this horrible paradox that has rent so many minds asunder! Pray that some brilliant mind will save us from this nauseating incongruity—before it is too late!

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