Charlie Bucket’s grandparents lived in one bed together, and to varying degrees, they were all regularly pissing themselves in it. Here’s how much they each pissed in their shared bed, ranked from least to most.
Grandpa George was by far the smallest contributor to the piss pond of a mattress that he occupied with Charlie’s other grandparents. The silver-dollar-pancake-sized stain on the crotch of his pajama pants was a mere afterthought to the bisque rapids coming from his bedmates. Next to them, it was hard to tell when Grandpa George had pissed the bed at all, outside of whenever he’d momentarily stop snoring in his sleep and let out a pathetic moan. In fact, the majority of piss stains on Grandpa George’s clothes were the other grandparents’ piss. As little urine as he may have produced, Charlie was always willing to oblige Grandpa George’s request to “dry the piss off [his] legs with a Chinese folding fan,” which is why Charlie went home instead of searching for Golden Tickets with all his schoolmates. However, all 16 kidney stones jangling around under the sheets were exclusively Grandpa George’s.
At number four comes Grandma Josephine, who was perpetually sitting in a puddle of her own piss thanks to her weak bladder. Although she was always knitting herself a new pair of extra-thick panties in the hopes that they might soak it up, the several liters of piss she’d produce made all attempts to stem the flow of piss utterly futile. Charlie’s mother could hardly keep up with Grandma Josephine’s blanched-yellow laundry, another pile of it appearing each time she finally finished scrubbing the stale urine stink out of Grandma Josephine’s other nightgowns. Behind Charlie’s wondrous gaze at all the Oompa Loompas in the Wonka factory was the hopeful thought that one day his family might be able to afford a workforce like them to help clean up after Grandma Josephine’s piss, and make life for the Buckets a little easier for once.
Grandpa Ubeck was the grandparent who lived under the covers at the center of the bed. There he’d pray for his sweet grandson to get sent to a factory for a nice reason while wetting himself and the feet of his bedmates. Grandpa Ubeck pissed himself a medium amount, landing himself right in the middle of this list.
Grandpa Joe, Charlie’s guest for his Wonka factory visit, sits at number two on this list. A stubborn and paranoid old man, Grandpa Joe’s refusal to get out of bed until his strength returned was largely a cover for the shame he felt about letting out nearly a gallon of piss into the bed every day. Grandpa Joe’s piss cascades often seeped so deep into the mattress that, on more than one occasion, Charlie had to skip school to drag the mattress out into the slums where he lived, wring it out like a sponge into a sewer, and then dry it with a leaf blower. This resulted in Charlie getting hit with a ruler by the schoolmaster when he returned to school the following day, reeking of his grandfather’s piss. Seeing Charlie demonstrate the ultimate act of forgiveness by inviting him to the Wonka factory, despite the misfortune Grandpa Joe caused him, was so beautiful that it inspired Grandpa Joe to dance his way out of bed and triple wrap himself in Depends so he didn’t piss all over the floor of the chocolate factory.
Without question, Grandma “Piss King” Georgina takes the cake in terms of bed-wetting. Grandma Georgina’s piss was extremely problematic for the Buckets, particularly in its responsibility for the absence of Charlie’s father, who broke his neck and died years earlier after slipping in a stream of her urine that had flowed out onto the floor of the Buckets’ decrepit house. Furthermore, Charlie was forced to work a paper route just to help pay an exterminator to rid their house of the ant infestations that his Grandma Georgina’s unceasing piss problem attracted. As badly as he wanted to spend money on Wonka bars, he knew he couldn’t afford it without incurring the greater cost of coming home to swarms of ants trailing around his grandmother’s piss. While the other children who toured the Wonka factory came from wealth and privilege, Charlie had lived his entire life disadvantaged by the obstacles resulting from his Grandma Georgina’s massive urinations. This is why his earnest, wide-eyed wonder at all of Wonka’s fantastical inventions made him stand out to the chocolate mogul himself in his search for an heir. And for that, Grandma Georgina undoubtedly earned her seat at the top of this ranking.