Add these long-haul moves to your foreplay arsenal today, and we guarantee that you and your partner will be having amazing sex in 70 years time.
1. Put on 70 pieces of lingerie, and let your partner take one off every New Year’s Eve: To make him extra titillated by the time 2087 rolls around, saunter into the bedroom wearing your laciest lingerie, straddle him, and then guide his hand in peeling off one piece every time the New Year’s ball drops. Once it’s all off, the mood in your bed will be hot and ready for some latter-21st-century sex!
2. Role-play the entire life of a repairman: Role play may feel silly at first, but it can keep your sexual connection fresh and exciting as you act out 70 years in the life of a repairman, all the way from his birth to his final job, where a scantily clad client helps celebrate his retirement by having great sex with him in 2087. Pretending to be someone else for seven decades may just help you lose all inhibition between the sheets. If you’re both still alive in the 2080s, your intimacy will only grow because of it.
3. While you’re both at work, send each other naughty pics in extremely large files that won’t finish downloading until 2087: The long-term anticipation of opening these will melt you into a puddle on the floor by the time you’re eventually inside each other.
4. Gently nibble through a whale carcass until the nibbling reaches your partner’s earlobe: The earlobe is one of the most sensitive parts of the human body, and your mouth will be, too, after nibbling your way from one end of a whale carcass to the other. There, your partner, now unrecognizably older, will be waiting, ready to quiver in erotic pleasure as you spit the last bit of rotting blubber from your mouth and bust out one of the fastest turn-ons there is. Expect explosive sex after this one.
5. Turn your bedroom into a love nest! Pepper dozens of doctorates and PhDs over the bed after going through decades of school to earn them all: Talk about setting the mood. As the diplomas stick to both of your nude, sweaty, and now-elderly bodies, you’ll feel like you’re in a love scene straight out of a Hollywood romance. Some things are just better after midnight December 31, 2086, and finishing seven decades of schooling to have some rip-your-clothes-off sex is definitely one of them.
6. Like your romance a little rougher? Stand 30 feet apart, face away from each other, and grow your nails long enough to scratch down each other’s backs: Up the intensity by leaving light scratch marks on each other’s shoulder blades with fingernails that have gone unclipped since 2017. Communication will be key here. If it doesn’t end up being the crazy, all-over-the-place sex you imagined, that’s okay. You’ll at least have 70 years more experience feeling comfortable asking for what you want, and the curly, 30-feet-long fingernails loop-the-looping over your partner’s shoulders and down their back to show for it.
7. Bring yourselves just to the brink of orgasm, then drink all the water held behind the Hoover Dam: You can extend an orgasm for decades by stimulating each other’s hot spots, holding each other tight, and then consuming all 10 trillion gallons of water in the Hoover Dam’s Lake Mead, one cup at a time. With the cool, excessive dam water you can’t keep down dribbling out of your mouths and over your naked bodies, the climax you’ll eventually achieve in the somewhat distant future will be full of extra-sensual tingles. You’ll never forget the sex you have after this for as long as you live past 2087, guaranteed.