Relationships are complicated. Here are seven simple steps you can take to keep the love alive.

1. Be up front about your sponsors: A simple “Honey, I am being paid to say this, but I think we should have some Mountain Berry Blast Powerade® tonight” goes a long way.

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2. Don’t let anyone make a statue of you saluting another partner: It doesn’t matter what material they use; if someone makes a statue of you giving a salute to someone besides your partner, it’s bad news. Think about it: Would you want someone making a statue of your partner saluting someone who isn’t you?

3. Alternate every other word during conversations: Making sure you each get an equal say is key. Ensure this by having one partner say exactly one word, and then having the other say exactly one word in response.

4. Switch to brand-name motor oil: One of the biggest reasons most couples fall apart is due to money issues. That’s why trusting a brand like Pennzoil or Quaker State will save you two money and headaches in the long run.

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5. Buy a helicopter: A big helicopter will help maintain a healthy relationship.

6. Don’t have a bad child: Giving birth to a bad child can cause all sorts of problems in a relationship. If you decide to become parents, make sure you give birth to a good child instead.

7. Tell your partner that you’ll die if they ever leave you: That ought to do it.

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