Illustration for article titled Yeah, Moms Fuckin’ Love Me

They all think I’m real hot shit.


1. Let’s start off with Mrs. DeMarco. Yeah, you better fuckin’ believe she’s a huge fan of mine. Alex told me that one time after I left their house, she said, “It’s good you’re friends with him. He’s a nice kid.” I mean, shit. You’re just not saying that about everyone your kid brings home.

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2. Mrs. Michaelson is my best friend Brad’s mom. She says I’m basically like a second son, and not in a “you’re always over here” type of way either. She says it in a good way. You don’t bring someone on family vacations if you think that person sucks major ass and is annoying as all fuck.

Illustration for article titled Yeah, Moms Fuckin’ Love Me


3. The first time I met Mrs. Jennings, I said, “Is your mother home?” Gavin rolled his eyes, but you better believe she loved it.

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4. Mrs. Cooper is always offering me snacks when I’m hanging out with Danny. Good ones too. I’m talking, like, homemade brownies that she makes from scratch. The good shit, you know? If you think I’m going over there and getting, like, some fuckin’ Chex Mix poured into a bowl real quick, you’re dead wrong.

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5. Whenever I go over to Todd’s, Mrs. Anderson always takes her time to ask me about school and shit. It’s never any of that just-to-fill-the-silence-ass bullshit either. You can tell she actually enjoys talking to me. Today, we talked about college applications, and she really helped me out. It was fuckin’ sweet.

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6. I have a girlfriend named Jenny, and she fuckin’ rules. Just so cool and real. Her mom thinks I’m the fuckin’ man and that I’m real good for her daughter. That whole fuckin’ family loves me, actually. Even if Jenny and I broke up, which I can’t see happening anytime soon, I think I’d still be able to walk into their house without anyone being like, “What are you doing here?” It’d be more like, “Hey, how’s it going?”

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7. I’ve only been over to Mark’s house once to work on some boring-ass group project, but Mrs. Bennett said, and I quote, “You can come back anytime you’d like.” She’d never say that shit to David.

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8. What’s my secret? Most of the time, I just ask them how their day was. It’s that simple. They just love that shit. Jason’s mom, Mrs. Thomason, especially eats it the fuck up.

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